On the lighter side of Commercial travel

[Rick and Cathy Ford]

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am

going

to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and

if

you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for

a

ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,

sure

as
hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,

and

pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't

know

how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public

unsupervised.

In
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If

you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting
with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now

which

one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight."

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,

Texas,

on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the
captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the

flight

attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome

to

Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the
captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We

ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,

and

give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of

his

bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,

thinking

that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off
except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,

did

we
land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant

got

on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until
Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells
are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to

thank

you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we

hope

you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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