jokes: Exchanges between pilots and control towers

[mike jones]

-----Original Message-----
From: Gary [mailto:gshennette@rogers.com]
Sent: Friday, December 29, 2006 8:45 PM
To: mike jones
Subject: Fw: Exchanges between pilots and control towers








Subject: Exchanges between pilots and control towers


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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**********************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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***********************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last
known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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***********************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are
able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a
right at the lights and return to the airport."

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***********************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany
. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war!"

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***********************Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7.

Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...
we've already notified our caterers."

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***********************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled
out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said:
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."

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***********************The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speed-bird 206.

Speed-bird 206:
" Frankfurt , Speed-bird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speed-bird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:

"Speed-bird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speed-bird 206:
"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now!"

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speed-bird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speed-bird 206 (coolly):
"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

****************************************************************************
*********************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US
Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right
onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can
expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you
to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension
in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then
an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"







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