Some humour

[Bob Patterson]

These are for those poor folks who have to fly "commercial",
and don't have the fun that <we> do !!! :-)

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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-
flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave
your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest
Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard
time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for
this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we
land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight
attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought
the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal."

16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

:-) :-) :-)

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