New legislation

[Ted Waltman]

WASHINGTON , DC (AP) - Congress is considering sweeping legislation, which
provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities
Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislation by advocates of the
millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to
be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no
longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply
because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing."

Former President Bill Clinton, came out in support of the bill, and pointed
to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of
providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74
percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single
largest US employer of Persons of Inability.

Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the
Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home
improvement "warehouse" stores (65%) The DMV also has a great record of
hiring Persons of Inability. (63%)

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man"
positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real
responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations, which maintain
a significant level of Persons of Inability in middle positions, and gives a
tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless
worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the AWNA ACT contains tough new measures to make it more difficult
to discriminate against the Non-abled, banning discriminatory interview
questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have
any skills or experience which relate to this job?"

"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have
something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a
lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job
skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage
of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally
see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Senator Ted Kennedy, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and
every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of
space to take up in this great nation.




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